i'm gonna make of you another believer

Poetrypoetrypoetry!

2010-10-01T23:15:00.003-04:00

My poetry contest submission date is almost here and I only have 8 pages left to write. I am so glad I actually did this whole thing-- I now have an entirely new appreciation and love of poetry! Not just writing it, but reading others' poetry as well. I am really getting into Walt Whitman, Shel Silverstein, and I just introduced myself to the works of Pablo Neruda, William Wordsworth and Langston Hughes, who I've never read or even heard of before. I used to feel very indifferent about poetry; I could take it or leave it. But now, I love reading it and writing it (even though I'm a total novice); I just find it so beautiful and can now see myself keeping up writing a few poems every now and then, even after this competition, for many years to come.

Here is a poem I'm sure everyone has seen or heard before, I know I have, but I still love it (by William Wordsworth):

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;
A poet could not be but gay,
In such a jocund company!
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

Poetry After Effects

2010-09-26T22:34:00.003-04:00

It's been almost a week since my last update, and that's because all my writing energy is being sucked out of me by this poetry contest! I'm entering a contest that my mom told me about (thank god!) that is free to enter and all you have to do is submit 40 pages of recent poetry. Well, I haven't written poetry in 3 years, and all of that is lost because my ditzy creative writing teacher lost my notebook! (We had to hand them in to be graded, she lost mine.) So I had to start from scratch, writing 40 pages in one month. And I'm doing it! I wrote 26 pages, I have 14 pages left and 14 days left. I am right on track! It feels good to be writing again. I used to write creatively a lot, but in the past couple of years I've only been writing in my journal and sometimes in this blog. Even if I don't win (which I don't expect to- there are way better poets out there than me, but even if the chance is one in a million, that's more chance than if I didn't enter at all!) then I'll still have a recent portfolio of poetry! That makes me feel like I've really accomplished something in the past month, especially since poetry doesn't come easily to me.

All this poetry writing has got me stirring up a lot of things from the past, at an attempt to get some inspiration and variety into my 40 pages, and I've been contemplating family a lot. One of my favorite people in the world is a girl I used to work with. One day we were working and talking on New Year's Day, and she told me that she just asked one of her tables, "What is one thing in this past year you regret? Or one thing in life you regret?" (She's so awesome just because she asks her tables personal questions like that.) Well apparently he said something along the lines of regretting not spending more time on his relationship with his family. And I knew what she meant- she was eluding to her family, who has so many problems, way more than the norm, and I think she was feeling guilty that she didn't talk to many of her family members, and for good reason. I said, "Well isn't it just as much of a regret to waste time on someone who's not worthy of your time? Whether they're family or not? Someone who mistreats you time and time again? Being blood related doesn't mean it's law for those relatives to talk, even if it's against their will. I'm not saying that you can't or shouldn't forgive them, but you may forgive them, and move on solitary. A guy may break into your house and steal your tv, and you eventually forgive him, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're going to ask him to house sit your house while you're away.

My family are people I love, and who love me. People I believe will always be there for me no matter what the circumstances, and I will always be there for them. Some of these are blood related, and some are people I've been lucky enough to meet in my life. I'm so grateful that I have met genuine good souls in my life so far, and that there are still genuinely good people out there.

One Last major Endeavor, at Least for a While

2010-09-20T16:18:00.003-04:00

In a nutshell, this is what's going on. While my goal is still to work as a yacht stew, for a few years or so, my other and more prominent goal is to learn a foreign language, that being Spanish. So on a whim, as usual, I booked a flight to Spain, where I plan to stay for 3 months perfecting my Spanish as much as possible through a work exchange at a bed and breakfast/local tour company. Afterwards, I will spend a few weeks visiting my dear friends in Europe, who I miss so much, and after that I will return home and resume my working towards completing my yacht stew goal (which learning Spanish is part of that- as they look for people with language skills).

Some of my family members thought this was pointless, or frivolous, but I'm at the age that is perfect for traveling because I'm not tied down at all, and one day I will be and I will regret not doing these things, like so many of the people I know do. To me, this is not throwing away money, because to me it is an important investment. Traveling in itself is such an education; I've learned so much more from real life travel experiences than I ever have in a classroom in high school or college. I swear I'm not tooting my own horn when I say I really believe I am much wiser beyond my years than I would have been if I had remained in the same town for my entire youth. Some people say travelers are escapees, just running away from reality, or maybe from their problems. On the contrary, when you travel, you often encounter problems you have not been trained to deal with. I feel that by staying in your hometown, neglecting to experience the outside and faraway other parts of the world, you are in fact the one escaping reality, escaping a most beautiful and different and educational and miraculous reality that is different from our own!

Some people say, that in life, you must choose ONE thing, and have ONE path, and lead only ONE life. To me, this sounds irrational and quite boring. Why only experience one type of lifestyle when you have so many more interests? Maybe it is just me, and a select few others, but I am interested in so many facets of life! I want to learn Spanish, I want to work on a yacht, I want to attend culinary school, I want to maybe own my own dessert cafe, I want to live a few years in New York and also either California or Florida, I want to learn German! And why shouldn't I? That is a lot of goals, but I think 80 years or so is enough living time to complete these. I love this quote by Esme Raji Codell, "I aim too high probably, but if I don't aim, how will I get anywhere near the target?" This thought is so refreshing to me, and so in tune with the way I think. I know I have more goals that the norm, but having too many is better than having none, or discarding goals because you think they're unattainable.

I read a book recently called "You're Not Old Until You're Ninety," and the author was so inspiring to me. She was publishing her first book at ninety! So many people I know who are only halfway through life say, "I'm too old for that." As long as your mind and body are functioning half decently, you're not too old!

I hope that people learn in some way or another that it is okay to do what you want to do, and not what you feel is expected of you. "Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be."

"Not all those who wander are lost." –J. R. R. Tolkien

Just a Thought

2010-09-16T21:13:00.002-04:00

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. ~Wayne Dyer

Bath

2010-09-15T11:25:00.001-04:00

Last night I decided to take a bath, for no reason at all, other than to relax I guess. Not that I really have any reason to need to relax anyway. I have remotely no stress in my life right now; the only stress I have stems from the fact that I have nothing to stress about- no job, no schooling, no boyfriend, no apartment, no car. As I laid in the bathtub, listening to my iPod on shuffle, watching the bath salts float around, I wondered to myself, what's next in my life? I have absolutely nothing tying me down. So what's holding me back? Money I guess; I don't have any to get me anywhere or anything. Once I get some though, what would I even do? Go to Argentina? Go back to Nicaragua? Go back to Europe? Become a yacht stew? Go to the Florida Keys? I have so many ideas swarming around up there that it's blinding me from seeing clearly. Kathryn wrote me a letter last week in response to my letter to her, which I can only imagine seemed like the rantings of a bored, useless vagabond, and her response was so poised and kind and helpful. Her words and the way she orders them always make perfect sense to me. Things that I already know that she rewords and restates to me cause revelations; I don't know how she does it. In her little 3 by 5 greeting card were the words that this time made me realize things that I should already have known, and accepted: To do what makes me happy. Don't worry about others. Don't compare myself to others. What makes me smile?

Even just reading this made me smile. She cares and she makes sense and I'm so lucky that I was born into her family and not someone else's. After moving on from that thought, I tried to think of what made me smile, or at least the major things, as many things make me smile, like stationary and peppermint tea. Bigger things though, are Spanish. Learning it, speaking it, teaching it. I smile when it's sunny and warm. Never when I'm cold. I smile when I've just booked a flight to somewhere I know nothing about. I smile when my cat acts like she needs me.

Unfortunately, pretty much all my goals right now require money, and in this economy, you can't really do without it. In order to get some money, a substantial amount in a short time, a definite possibility is to get a job on a yacht. I did a lot of research on this a few years ago, swearing I would do it and never did. I think now is the time. I think my resume is decent enough, and I could travel while working and saving money, to work towards my goals. Seeing as I have so many, this is probably a smart idea. When I've done some saving up, I could finally go to culinary school and get a pastry degree! I could work in Buenos Aires, or anywhere! I could visit Eva and learn German, after I've perfected Spanish! I could scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef! I used to be in a big hurry, but I've come to accept the fact, through that tiny little greeting card, that there's no deadline for a career. Things don't happen magically and immediately like I want them to. Everyone else had to do four years of college, or more, and just because I opted out of that doesn't mean I'm exempt from waiting some time and working hard. Which is what I plan on doing. Here's to new beginnings and working towards goals, instead of resenting that you have to work for them.

Back

2010-09-14T18:58:00.003-04:00

As always, I haven't written in way too long. This time it's been more than two months. I went to Nicaragua, and to try to describe that experience in just one blog entry would be fruitless. I should have been blogging all along. I did keep a diary, everyday, but in terms of this blog that's kind of irrelevant, because there's no way I'm typing out 50 pages of my diary which is written in the most chicken scratch handwriting you've ever seen. But to try to sum it up somewhat quickly, it was hands down the best experience in my whole entire life, which confuses people sometimes, once they're informed that where I was I had no air conditioning, hot water, screens on windows, hair dryer or even a mirror in my bedroom. There were lizards, scorpions, ants, termites, and huge spiders all lurking in my house, sometimes in my shower. Half the time didn't have electricity or water, or sometimes we went without both. There was trash everywhere and it smelled bad a lot of the times. Mosquitos took reign over the whole entire town, constantly biting, especially at night, and my bed was not exempt of this fact. I always had at least 10 bug bites on each limb at any given time. The food was nothing to boast about either. Fried bananas, gallo pinto (rice and beans mixed together) and either spam, chicken, or fish was served at every meal. A few times I had the luxury of pancakes. But none of this mattered to me because when you're feeling utter happiness, these drawbacks go unnoticed, or at the very least are forgiven.

So people ask me why I was so happy then, and to be honest, I never really know how to answer. I guess it was a mixture of simple things. As frustrating as spanish was sometimes, learning it was fun and using it was even more satisfying. Even though my spanish is still so elementary and broken, I loved using what I know to have a halfway decent conversation with someone. It was addicting in a way. Seeing the beach every day outside of my classroom was bliss. Going on walks with my classmates on breaks between class was comforting. Buying jewelry from street vendors, getting drinks for free basically all the time, and buying snacks from little tiendas became routine. Teaching english class was more fulfilling than I thought it would be. My students were always so eager to learn, and such adorable and friendly kids they were. They started off scared to even try to sound out english words, but gradually became braver as I coached them each week. The didn't let the conditions of the school bother them. They tried hard without resentment towards anything. The last crowning glory of my trip was the little family that developed between me and three other people while I was there. They became my favorite people, and I still think of them so often. We spent all our time together and it felt so good to have a core group. It's amazing how you can live 21 years in america and not feel a real sense of community and then go somewhere remote and feel it in just one month. I still wonder if the little town of San Juan del Sur had as big an impact on them, or anyone else, as it did me.

Unfortunately though, I'm back in Pennsylvania now and back to the humdrum life here. My mind is reeling on what to do next. I try to control my impatience, but I know that's wasted energy. Why are others so content staying in one spot, while all I can ever think about is going somewhere else? Am I adventurous, or frivolous? If anything, I'm more frivolous here than I was in Nicaragua. At least there I served a purpose. I was learning and teaching, and here I do neither. As of now, which my ideas can change at any time and usually do, my next goal is to go to Argentina. I know there are a lot of teaching jobs there, and scuba related jobs too. And I could keep learning spanish. It sounds ideal, I just have to get there. Should be simple enough...

it has to end to begin

2010-07-01T21:22:00.000-04:00

Last night I got fired from my job. I don't know which feeling dominates most- anger or happiness. Taylor, the manager, is so young (23) and so immature and she lets her emotions get the best of her. Last night was a very busy night. Sunday nights are always crazy because we are always understaffed. We only had one busser and we should have two, and the one that we have is completely useless. Literally, he's bordering complete incompetence and possible retardation. We also should have had one more server. We also should have had more people in the kitchen, another manager, and a food runner. But since Marathon is completely falling apart, we had none of these things. So I was (along with all the other servers) bussing my own tables, resetting them, getting dishes and glasses from downstairs, polishing silverware, and making my own desserts. All in addition to the usual serving the tables. We should have a line cook to make desserts! I don't have time to be making desserts for tables when I should be talking to them and refilling drinks and taking orders. So I did my job, along with about 4 other jobs at the same time, which is unfair and stressful in itself. Then at the end of the night, Taylor tried to get me to close. Absolutely not! I was on a double every single day this weekend, and I was there since 9 that morning. Emmery was supposed to close because she was the only one not on a double, and even if she didn't close then next it should have been Matt because he left brunch early and when he came back for dinner he was late. Taylor didn't seem happy about that, but she didn't seem pissed either. Then I did all my sidework, including the sidework from the list. Taylor mad a list of things for us to finish and sign off on for what we each did. Adrienne and I both dusted globes, brought in patio furniture, and cleaned off the booth seats. Taylor was mad that I did the same things as Adrienne, and asked me if I put toilet paper in the bathrooms. I said no, I already did my side work, and toilet paper was a busser job anyway. Then I walked away. Then Taylor was fuming. She ran after me and told me not to bother coming in for my shifts this week, and to just leave for my trip. I didn't say anything and kept walking. The next day, today, I called work to see if maybe she calmed down and I could come into work. (I had no idea I was fired at this point. She didn't tell me I was, and I thought she maybe just wrote me up.) So I called and Jen answered and asked what was going on with Taylor and I. I briefly explained and Jen said that she saw a termination notice with my name on it in the office. Jen threw it away because she thought that maybe she wouldn't feel like writing another one! Gotta love Jen. Anyway, When was Taylor even planning on letting me know I was fired?? And I shouldn't even be fired! It's completely unfair! I did all my work, and additional work during dinner. Then for side work I did all my work. I don't think it's fair that she ask me to do additional side work because other people pissed her off all night. She took it all out on me. Plus, Emmery left without doing anything from the list so why didn't she get in trouble? She didn't do anything but got away with it, but I didn't do additional side work and got fired. How is that fair? How is that professional? Just because I stood up for myself against her should not be reason for her to immediately fire me. Plus, I have a spotless work record there. I have never been late and have never once called out. I always worked hard and never got written up. Then, because of one small moment, Taylor, in the heat of the moment and in the midst of her bad mood, fired me without a second thought. Bitch.

So, now I'm fired, and I don't really know what's going on. Apparently Jen later passed on the message to the new GM of one day (her first day was yesterday, brand new) that I wanted to speak with her, so she could hear the real story. Supposedly she'll be contacting me tomorrow maybe. But now I'm thinking, do I really want that job back? It made me miserable, and I'm leaving to Nicaragua for a month anyway. When I come back I only have one month left on my lease. Do I really want to waste more time trapped in a restaurant, going nowhere? Everyday I see losers there- 30 year old waiters and waitresses who are doing nothing with their lives. I don't want to get sucked in there forever. What does Philly have to offer me anyway? There are no jobs here, it's dirty, smelly, and expensive. Maybe I could travel America and volunteer and couchsurf, make my way to California, and get a job relating to scuba. It would be hard, and it would be lonely at times, but it's like that here too sometimes. Honestly, I'm miserable in Philly. I need to move on. Money might be tight at first but I would find a way. People always do. I got a fortune cookie once that I always loved- "It is necessary, therefore it is possible." Maybe this is necessary. Maybe this was meant to be. Maybe it was perfect timing. To get fired right before my trip? and with only two months left on my lease? What are the odds? Maybe I can use this to my advantage. Maybe I will.

Long time no write

2010-04-15T14:30:00.001-04:00

After a long hiatus from this blog, and after too many changes at work to count, I thought it was time to finally make a new post. The biggest change at work between now and my last post was our change to a completely new menu. Our new menu is good in terms of tastes, recipes, detail...but in terms of our customers, or "guests" I should say, is less than satisfying. Let me explain:

"Thank you for calling Marathon, 10th and Walnut, this is Ellen, how can I help you?"

"Yeah, I need to order for delivery."

"Okay, do you know about our new menu?"

"Ugh- NO?~~ Bye!!~"

I feel like the squiggly dash marks indicate the attitude in the tone of voice. Anyway, that is just one of the many negative responses I've gotten over the phone to the new menu. Most of the responses have been negative, but a few have been positive. But mostly, people are just pissed. They want their old favorites. They want control. They want routine. They want salmon burger!!

Why are people so opposed to change? And why do they all take out their anger on someone who had nothing to do with it?

"Well why did you change it?"

"I don't know...I just work here."

The second thing that changed is that I am now a server (although I still do counter everyday- I only serve twice a week) and that is going quite well. It's the same amount of annoyances in different forms than counter, but it's worth it because it's more money.

Another change is Matt the van driver delivery guy. I am officially OVER him! Well, I still think he's cute, but I'm over my obsession and I'm over hoping that he'll somehow ask me out. I've moved on! In fact, I think he's kind of a loser! I can do way better.

But that's all I have to say for now. Hopefully next time I update won't be months from now!

Snow Day

2010-02-10T23:01:00.002-05:00

As much as I hate the cold, I have to admit that all this snow really is beautiful. That is, until it gets driven and walked on and becomes black and dirty. But right now, it's untouched and crunchy and glittery, and I am enjoying it because we haven't seen snow like this since 1996. And I'm appreciating it because I now vow to make this my last winter in Pennsylvania. Or at least for a long time. I can't handle the winters here. The extreme cold is just simply painful, and uncomfortable, and inconvenient. I want warm breeze and warm sun and easier clothes. So that's what I'll get.

The restaurant was closed today and it was nice to have a break. I went outside to go sledding at the art museum, which was great. We didn't have sleds, so we used baking sheets, but they worked just fine! The art museum looked beautiful and all around it too. It's surrounded by trees and it looked so gorgeous and I even saw a bird and a squirrel which I thought was adorable of course. Once you step away from all the commotion at the steps, it is quiet and peaceful and almost as if you are in the middle of a meadow instead of in a city at a museum with lots of loud people. It was serene, and it felt good. I wish I had my camera, but then again it's good I didn't because I probably would have dropped it in the snow and destroyed it.

My scuba class was also cancelled, but I did have my spanish class last night. Which, by the way, is going wonderfully. I've only has two classes, but I absolutely love it! It's fun but it's also hard work. In fact, I should be studying now.

New beginnings and the usual usual

2010-02-02T23:22:00.003-05:00

After another week long hiatus from this blog, I'm finally back here updating. I must admit that I'm back in my old routine: checking flights to various countries just for the fun of it, looking at opportunities abroad, and contemplating how difficult it may be if I were to leave my lease early. The only difference is this time is that I know nothing will happen until at least summer. I'm being responsible! I'm trying to do the right thing...stick around and go only when the time is completely right. When my lease is up! Oh this is going to be a tough one...

On another note, I am once again a student, and it's much better this time around. Tonite I had my first Spanish class and I am already addicted. There's no thrill equal to the one you get from speaking another language, even if it is just simple phrases in a beginner's class. In addition to Spanish, I have also started my Scuba certification class. My second class is tomorrow, which I am excited for. It's a lot of terminology to remember, but I'm up for the challenge.

At work, things are not going so well. That job is really taking a toll on me. I'm trying so hard not to let anything get to me, but there's so much stupid drama all day long, on top of the fact that I do everyone's job for no money and only to get called an asshole for it (that's a whole 'nother story). Well, it's a recipe for disaster. PLUS, Matt found out about my stupid crush on him, along with the whole entire restaurant, and now things are somewhat awkward. Well, at first they were but now I guess things are back to normal, but then again, even our normal was pretty awkward.

Anyway, it's February now, which means only a couple more months until t-shirt weather! I really cannot wait!

Rainy Monday

2010-01-25T20:06:00.002-05:00

As much as I hate rainy days, they sometimes make me smile because rainy days never fail to bring people together, even in the smallest of ways. I realized this today when I was walking to work on Walnut St. with my rain boots on and my flimsy umbrella blowing inside out and I noticed that only on rainy days do people make eye contact and acknowledge each other. That is because on rainy days everyone has something in common: that they are miserable because of this weather and no one looks or feels their best. People look at each other and smile, or make some expression of sympathy, as if to say, "Yeah, doesn't this suck?" I saw a girl get splashed really bad by the bus and we looked at each other and I made a "Wow I'm sorry" face. Another guy turned to me at a red light and said, "Doesn't this suck?" Another woman saw my umbrella flipping inside out and gave me this look like she felt bad for me. Rainy days unite people. On sunny days no one even glances in other people's directions. Everyone is minding their own business, on their cell phones, walking quickly along. Rainy days have a way of connecting people. Everyone's wet. Everyone feels gross. Everyone feels bad for everyone and themselves.

Rainy days also mean that no one wants to come outside to go to the restaurant and so we were really dead today. BUT, there was one upside. Matt and I exchanged some very awkward comments and glances, because he stayed longer than usual. It's almost as if he was hanging around, like some sort of lost puppy dog, and coming back for little or no reasons, like he apparently forgot something...five or six times. Suspicious, I think. But then again, this may be my vivid imagination doing its best work. We will find out soon though! Because Our non relationship has been taken to the next level by today's extra weirdness. Ahh, rainy monday.

All is well on the counter front

2010-01-24T22:12:00.003-05:00

So, on this coming wednesday I take one step farther away from the counter by starting my classes for scuba certification! Woo! AND, I was looking at scholarships today for the Institute of Culinary Education, which I am planning on going to next fall, and I should start the application processes in the spring, which is soon! Just need letters of recommendation, and my transcripts. Lots of work, but hopefully it will pay off by getting at least one scholarship.

As for work, I worked yesterday all day and it went okay I guess. I don't usually work saturdays but apparently I am now. This past week has been busy, outside of work that is. I went ice skating, went to Sheena's band's show to support her, and Henry's comedy thing to support him, and also went with my family to see a couple of new and exciting (and very talented!) musicians which was absolutely perfect. I bought one of their albums and it's fantastic. (Ian Axel--if anyone is interested in super awesome piano players/singers then look him up.)

Supposedly serving is going to ensue very soon, but I've been told that for over a month now. Training is apparently starting next week. I'll believe it when I see it.

Argument

2010-01-19T19:34:00.003-05:00

Today was a typical day at the restaurant...ridiculous craziness. It was better than yesterday in terms of business--today we were busy but at least we were more prepared, unlike yesterday which was a disaster because we were swamped and completely understaffed. But before the rush, I was putting the specials in the menus minding my own business, when I realized, I have the specials! And that means...Matt must be here! He's probably been here for all of 2 minutes and I was wasting my time all by myself not even in view of him! I rushed back over to the counter, mainly just to gawk at him before he left. Like I said, it was a typical day.

The rest of the day was great, minus the fact that I got into an argument with one of the servers. I won't say names for this one. And by argument, I mean a REAL argument, not just a fake insult or petty bickering and then 5 minutes later things are back to normal. This was a real one and I was significantly upset, and by that I mean I went to the bathroom and cried. (I know, I'm so juvenile and overly emotional.) But it really upset me on a personal level because in the middle of that argument I had a realization of how similar this guy is to my dad. They both scream at you, talk down to you, talk over you, interrupt you, and are losers who do nothing with their lives! Every sentence, mid-sentence, he would interrupt me only to scream at me some pointless argument that makes no sense, probably just to feel like he has control because he's louder and listens the least.

Why do certain people feel the need to scream their way through life? Are they really that insecure that they feel they need to scream and condescend people in order to be heard? Or is it that they're angry to their very core that they just can't shake it, and when provoked it all emerges and spurts out like steam or lava?

I am soo in the wrong business. And while I'm on the subject of that, in my last post I talked (or I think I did) about getting certified for scuba diving, and since then I have made the call and I start January 27! (I think. Maybe the wednesday after that.) But I am so beyond excited, whether this is just for hobby purposes or if it rises to a career level, I don't care, I'm just happy to be doing something to better myself and to learn something new.

Happy hour

2010-01-14T20:34:00.003-05:00

One of the best things about my job is that I get to draw and write all over the chalkboard walls for about 2 hours and then get free food for it because my boss thinks I don't like doing it. Because restaurant week is coming up very soon, I covered the wall above the bar with 'Restaurant Week' written huge, with the menu and price listed below. It was fun, but a little awkward because standing on a stool, my butt was facing the whole dining room. Also my neck hurt really bad afterwards, but still! It was fun. Then Matt, aka van driver delivery guy, came in, for the second time that day, and I completely swooned. I've quickly become quite obsessed with him. As I was standing on the stool, coloring away, I could only think and wonder about whether or not he would be coming a second time that day, and if he did, would I see him? Or would I miss him because I'm in the dining room, and maybe he won't see me? I kept checking. Every noise I heard, every time I heard a door close, I looked to see if it was him. (I'm so lame, I know.)

Well, he finally came! And of course I made some dumb excuse to come down off my stool and go into the kitchen, just to see him only for half a minute, just for some pitiful eye contact and a pathetic "hi." But it was worth it. He's just so...adorable.

After work, Sheena, Leann and I went to happy hour at National Mechanics in Old City. It was a good time, and I (it was only a matter of time until I told more people), of course told them about my crush on Matt after a few drinks. And they agreed with me! They said he's hot! Who could deny it? This crush is escalating as a fast pace...what will happen next? Who will I tell next? is more like it. I know this whole Matt thing is a little far fetched, but when your job is a lame as mine is, it's good to have silly little things to keep you looking forward to work everyday.

Working for a dream

2010-01-12T19:02:00.002-05:00

One of the things I like least about my job is that I do so much work that isn't even in my job description and don't get paid nearly enough for it, but today I stood up for myself instead of letting people walk all over me. A couple days ago, my boss asked me to clean certain walls that had stains all over them, and also to do some dusting. I did it without complaining. But last night they redid the floors and because of all the sanding they did, there was sawdust everywhere, so I had to do that cleaning again. Specifically, I had to scrub at the baseboard of this certain wall because there was this grimy layer there. I also did that without complaining, but the residue just wouldn't come off. So later that day Gary told me to do it again and at this point I had hit my limit. So I told him I'm not doing it, that I already did it and the residue wouldn't come off, and if he really wanted it off then they should hire a real cleaning lady. His response was, "you're the cleaning lady." NO way. I am NOT your cleaning lady. I am the COUNTER girl and even that is a lowly position. Oh he makes me so mad. He would never ask a server to do that, but he asks me because I'm the counter girl and he has no respect for me. And that's why he is procrastinating making me a server for so long--because I always do things that need to be done that no one else wants to do. But no more! I'm only doing what's in my job description. Maybe if I got a raise then I would consider doing all that ridiculous crap but not now. Forget it.

Days like today are hard because I feel so wasteful of my own life. What am I doing? I'm a counter girl in a restaurant. It's going no where. I need to get on top of things, make things happen in my life, and eventually get out of this city. People say it's better to be at the bottom of a ladder you want to climb rather than halfway up one you have no interest in climbing. Well right now I'm at the bottom of one I don't want to climb, so I'm no where near where I want to be. I'm so anxious for things to happen, and I'm trying to make things happen, but nothing's happening! It's not like I'm not trying! I signed up for a spanish class 10 days ago and the teacher said she would call me back once she'd placed me in a class. She hasn't called. Then today I called the dive center in Philly to sign up for scuba certification classes and they moved their location to Glen Mills, which goodle maps said it would take 2 hours to get there by public transit! Argh! So THEN, I called a center in Lansdale, where I'm from, and I repeatedly got a busy signal. Why does the universe want me to stay a counter girl?

I'll call tomorrow. I'll call until something happens. Until then, I'm stuck in the restaurant business.

Monday

2010-01-11T17:17:00.004-05:00

I haven't been updating this blog nearly as often as I'd like, but like I said, counter is pretty uneventful and so there's not much to write about. This morning, Henry, who suggested I start this blog, asked how it was going and of course he speaks so loudly that Nate and Justin heard him and so now they know I have a blog, about work, and I definitely don't want anyone from work reading this blog or even knowing about it. Henry doesn't count because it was his idea. So anyway, now I'm worried that someone will find it and read it and I didn't change any of the names on here and so I'm hoping this just stays a secret from all Marathon employees. Maybe I should have changed the names...

The restaurant closed early today because the floors are being redone and so it wasn't a normal day. But no day is ever really normal in that building. Today, a woman ordered a salad from me and she is the reason we have control freak salads. When you order a caesar salad, but change the dressing from caesar to balsamic vinaigrette, change the lettuce from romaine to iceberg lettuce, and add tomatoes and tuna, the only thing that's the same is the parmesan cheese. That in no way is a caesar salad! Nothing is the same! Only one thing is the same. And it isn't enough to keep calling it a caesar salad. But it's my theory that people do that (ALL the time) because by saying, "I'd like to order a control freak salad," they feel they're admitting "I'm a control freak." People would rather just steer clear of that term and call it another salad but change it so much that it's an entirely different thing. It's one of the most annoying things, but there is nothing I can do about it. I am entitled to kindly say that we do offer a control freak salad, but I feel like if I say that then they'll think I'm insulting them. So that's what I steer clear of.

In terms of Matt, aka van driver delivery guy, I told Laura (one of the bartenders) I liked him. And by 'like' I mean that I know nothing about him but still have some sort of weird fascination with him. I really had no choice. If you knew Laura, you would understand. First of all, she is, in my opinion, one of the coolest people I have ever met. She is the most honest and the most real person. And she asked who I liked at Marathon and I told her. I couldn't lie. And Laura is like a vault; she has so many secrets from so many people over the years at that restaurant that the news of my stupid little crush is like nothing to her. But now it's out there. One more person knows, besides the few people that read this blog, so I think that now is the point in time where this little fascination will either diminish to nothing at all or it will grow into something. Stay tuned:)

Birthday Eve

2010-01-05T19:56:00.004-05:00

I haven't updated my blog in over a week, and so in light of the new year, I'm going to not quit doing this blog and keep it up by posting somewhat regularly. I'm trying very hard not to be a quitter, which is something I've always struggled with. Just today I was contemplating quitting my job. It was a nightmare today. It was so hectic on the counter, which was very unfortunate because it just so happens that today the computer system wasn't properly working, so I was writing down everyone's names, phone numbers, addresses, and credit card informations by hand, which was very inconvenient and took up a lot of extra time when I could have been working on other people's orders. So in my moments of stress and aggravation, I was thinking to myself, "I hate this place! I'm moving to South America!!" South America, why, I don't know. I have no idea, other than I just want to go there. And I have no real reason to go there, other than just because. And that's that. (But then again my philosophy for doing something is that you don't have to have any "real" reason for anything, other than the fact that you just want to do something. Wanting something is all you need.)

Speaking of South America, and other Latin American things, I signed up to take a Spanish class. I don't start for a little while (I still have yet to be placed in a class) but I am pretty excited to be starting something new in the new decade. I wanted so badly to continue with Italian, but I decided not to. Maybe that's because I'm a quitter, like I mentioned above, or maybe it's because I know all of zero people that speak Italian in Philadelphia. On the other hand, I know lots and lots of Spanish speaking people here. Besides, Spanish class is cheaper than Italian, and it is slightly (okay, a LOT) more practical considering there are so many more Spanish speaking countries in the world than there are Italian, and the fact that about half of the employees at my job speak Spanish.

Another breakthrough in 2010 so far is that I found out van driver's name! MATT! Ha... Not that that is going anywhere at all, but just for fun and also for the sake of some sort of budding friendship, if it could even be considered that much.

Tomorrow is my 21st birthday, and I am abnormally unexcited. Most people go crazy for their 21st birthdays, but I just don't see the reason for it. I have nothing against drinking, but I've never relied on it to have a good time. The last time I drank was this past weekend, and the time before that was July 4th. This past weekend was a reminder of how mediocre drinking really is. I went to a party at a friend of mine's, and it was a good time, but in the morning, when I woke up on her couch, I looked around and saw just how pathetic drinking can really make people. Across from me were to chairs, one of which were a guy and girl who had made out the night before, which I have no doubt that they regretted once they woke up, or at least felt awkward about, and the other was the guy who had been trying to get with that girl the whole night, and who ironically was forced to sleep opposite them only to wake up and see his failure and embarrassment staring him right in the face. And there I was, the only one awake at 8:30am because I was so uncomfortable from apparently sleeping slouched over the arm of the couch, on the corner of the couch in about a 1 square foot area (because I was on the ocuh with 2 other friends of mine). I put on the first pair of shoes that I saw and walked home. (My shoes gave me blisters the night before.) So to me, turning 21 is not a huge ordeal. Yes, I'll go and have drinks, but partying is not particularly my number 1 choice of entertainment.

As for work, Gary told me that I could finally start serving, BUT, and here's the catch, only as soon as I found someone to cover all my shifts on counter. Meaning I would have to find someone to have come and apply for the job, get it, then be trained, and then decide to stick with it and be a good enough employee to take my place. (I swear, my natural talents at counter have screwed me over so bad.) Well, I felt up to the challenge. And my search ended quicker than I thought it would because my genius friend Natalie suggested that she take Ian's night shifts, and he take my day shifts, and then I can be a server! So I told Gary and that was last week. And of course, nothing's happened. He said he had to speak to Ian and Natalie about it all, but I know that isn't going to happen for a long time. And I need to start serving soon, because I could really use the money. Not for bills, I have that, but for my yet to be announced summer excursions of course!! But all this waiting is totally not my thing, I'm getting really impatient!

PS- Tip your take out counter person, whoever they are! They deserve it!

Van guy

2009-12-28T19:20:00.003-05:00

Today was my first day back at work after a 4 day break. (I didn't have work last thursday or friday because of the holidays, which were great by the way.) It's good to back in philly and back at work though, for the most part anyway. I got to see my favorites: Jen, Nate, Henry, Galdino, the van driver delivery guy....pretty much everyone. I can't remember if I've already mentioned the van driver, but he's really growing on me. He comes to our location once or twice a day to deliver the food and specials for the day, and sometimes some other random stuff. And lately I find myself looking forward to the moment he walks in with his cart full of stuff. The only bad thing about him coming to deliver the stuff is that he only stays for 5 minutes and then he has to go to the other locations we have in philly. I don't even know his name, and we've only spoken a few times, but each day we say a couple more words to each other. Today I wasn't so lucky though. Kevin decided to take about a half an hour messing up and then messing up again while counting the deposits for the bank, so by the time I went, I walked out the door, and there he was! He just pulled up in the van and I had to leave. I was so mad. Stupid Kevin...I could have stayed and been with him (for all of 5 minutes, maybe 10) but still, I was annoyed. So I just asked how he was and he asked where I was going. It was a very unexciting conversation. Maybe it's just all in my head, but I think he's taken a liking to me too. When he drops off the specials, he used to just leave them on the counter, my counter, without saying anything to me. He didn't have to, I knew what they were and he had no reason to talk to me. But NOW, after days of saying "hi," and then "hey, how are you" and slightly more eye contact each time, and slowly more sentences, each day something more, now after all that, he walks up to me, even if I'm in the middle of doing something, and says, "here are the specials." And then stands there almost like a lost little kid. How sweet! Okay, I know I'm taking this way overboard, but I think that means something. He now hands me the specials because maybe, just maybe, he wants a reason to talk to me and see me, even if it's just for a few seconds. He never used to do that with the specials, but now he does. I think this is a breakthrough! Wow I am pathetic! The things that amuse me while on counter!

Double

2009-12-22T22:53:00.003-05:00

Today I woke up on the right side of the bed! For some reason, I was in an extra good mood all day long, despite the fact that I was working a double. Really the only thing that irritated me all day was when Ryan shoved some sugar in my face and said, "take that to my table!" That just sent me into a whirlwind rants and raves in my brain. All of the things I wished to say to him just bounced around inside my head, and all I could come up with was, "why? I'm busy." To which he of course got really pissed and ran off and did it himself. Ugh... I don't know how you servers do things at night, but during the day we're nice to each other, and considerate of each other. I do favors for servers, and servers do favors for me, but we always ASK for favors, IF they're not busy. And then we THANK them for helping us out. We don't just shove objects in each other's faces and yell at them to go take it to their table. You don't know how busy I am! I have other things going on right now, I'm already running errands for other servers, plus someone is waiting at the counter for me. I don't have time to do whatever you ask, to wait on you hand and foot! Maybe I am taking this too far, but people can sometimes be so arrogant and that is unacceptable to me. The world does not revolve around you, and neither does this restaurant. And I sure don't!

But what made the whole night so much better was Natalie! Natalie used to work during the day twice a week and she doesn't anymore, and so whenever we rarely get to work together we always have fun. What can I say? We're just 2 goofballs together and we love each other! So it was great to be with her and I even got to meet her family! Hah... it sounds like some sort of makeshift date. But her family did come in tonite and she asked me to meet them all, and they were all sweethearts just like her.

And then there's Gary. Gary always brightens my day, even if he is in his worst of moods, I somehow smile because of him. Today it was because of his ridiculous Steve-from-Blue's-Clue's sweater, which I immediately commented on, which then made me laugh at myself. I laugh at myself a lot when I'm around Gary. He makes me giddy like a little girl! Tehe! No but seriously, Gary does have a very positive effect on me. And I'm sure that it's a mixture of his sense of humor and the fact that he can read me like a book, which is something no one else can do. There's a lot I could say about Gary but that is all I will say for now.

Peter

2009-12-21T21:13:00.003-05:00

Okay, the real reason for today's update is solely just to write about how Peter brightened my day. Peter is the name of the guy that called for a delivery and it was the most entertaining delivery call I have ever taken. I wish I could recall all of it so that any readers of this could fully understand the extent of his friendliness and refreshing humor, but I have the memory of a 90 year old and so I only remember bits and pieces. But when I was taking the call, the first thing he said was, "is this Ellen?" Which made me think it was someone I knew who was calling (even though I say my name when I answer). Then he kept asking questions about me like what age I was and what I like to do and what my favorite items on the menu were. (At this point I honestly thought it was a prank call.) But he told me that he was stalling because his girlfriend had no idea what she wanted to order yet and so he told me what he wanted to order (which was my favorite thing on the menu, he decided to get that) and then he stalled some more by making conversation. (And just to clarify, this guy--judging by his voice and tone of voice--was not a creeper, but simply a goofy guy trying to brighten someone's day. Maybe he could tell I was bored.) Then he proceeded to tell me that he was morbidly obese, which I didn't even know how to respond to so I just said, "are you...being serious?" Which he wasn't, and we both laughed. Luckily I was not busy and didn't have anyone waiting in line or anyone waiting on other lines on the phone, because if there were I wouldn't have been able to listen to this guy's ridiculous antics. Meanwhile I can hear the girlfriend in the background telling him to ask me what my other favorite things on the menu were. But despite her best efforts, his girlfriend never did decide what she wanted and so he said he'd call back to finish the order. And they never did. Maybe it was a prank all along now that I think of it, but either way I don't care because he made me laugh and it's nice to get funny calls once in a while. Because I answer the phone all day and it's always someone boring. So if anyone is reading this, try to say something nice or something funny or interesting to the takeout person next time you call because they would like a lift!

Other than that, some things that happened at work today...I made cookies, I ripped my pants, I saw Natalie! I miss her. Then after work I got pizza with Jen and then we watched tv at my house. Tomorrow I work a double, how exciting! Eeee!

Lazy Sunday

2009-12-20T15:51:00.002-05:00

I have off work today and I had off yesterday and I've been doing almost nothing except taking care of Bella (my cat) because she just got declawed and spayed. Today I did a little Christmas shopping and yesterday I got my hair cut, but that's the extent of my weekend. I was going to go to NYC but that's an entirely separate story. Anyway, thursday and friday at work were typical. Well, friday I was 45 minutes late because picking Bella up from the vet took longer than I expected, but luckily Gary was managing that day and could not have cared less. When I called to let him know, Gary answered and I said, "Gary, it's Ellen. I'm gonna be a little late." And he said, "That's fine I gotta go!" Crazy morning I guess. When I got there he just smiled and didn't even have an ounce of madness in him. Gotta love Gary. Lately on counter it has been soo slow! I'm assuming that because of the holidays everyone is broke and therefore no one wants to pay for take out food. Hopefully things pick up after they're over though.

Friday after work I sat at the bar for a while talking to Jen and Sheena, not wanting to go out into the cold. Then Jen got off and sat with me. Then Sheena got off and we all went shopping for jeans. Jen and Sheena are by far two of my favorite people at Marathon Grill. They are two REAL people. They are completely honest and never ever fake, and give themselves fully to each other. I envy what they have so much. And while hanging out with them, I couldn't help but feel happy and lonely at the same time. Being around them is always a hilarious time, but being in their presence also reminds me that they have each other, they have someone, and I have no one. I hate to go on this depressing rampage, but I have to do it. Here goes: being alone, especially around the holidays, is kind of an inconvenience. So I'm happy to have Bella right now (lame I know, I'm like a 20 year old cat lady) and I'm looking forward to work tomorrow, and hopefully the new year will bring new beginnings.

9 Days Til Christmas

2009-12-16T22:20:00.002-05:00

Shoes that fit in the store and then miraculously don't fit once you wear them for a whole day should just not exist. I got an adorable pair of shoes for seven dollars and wore them today for the first time to work and my feet were aching the whole day. Luckily, we weren't too busy so there wasn't much running around going on. But then chef asked me to go to the Chestnut location to pick up rigatoni for him. So without even registering what was just asked of me (or maybe I did and just didn't want to take one more step in those shoes) I stood there and looked blankly at Gary and chef until Gary said, "Well what are you waiting for? Chef asked you to do something!" (I know he sounds mean, but he means well!) So I stepped to it. I walked the ten minute walk to Chestnut, which may actually be only a five minute walk, but truthfully it feels like an hour in twenty degree weather. Each step felt like dull knives were cutting around the edges of my feet and it felt good to walk through Chestnut's doors into warmth and the halfway mark of my journey. I waited in line and while doing so I was observing the counter girl at this location. I'm going to be completely honest (it's not like she'll ever read this). She...was horrible. She was grumpy, didn't smile, didn't make eye contact with her cusomers, didn;t even attempt making conversation with them, sat in the corner when not busy. And let me just say that this actually made me feel a slight boost of self esteem. I'm a good counter girl! Yeah, I'm JUST a counter girl, but at least I'm good at it and I'm well liked and I enjoy what I do, unlike this hopelessly cranky girl. Not to say that I don't have bad days, but at least if I do then I am still nice to the customers. Then the manager came towards me with the bag of rigatoni and I came out of my self absorption, took the bag, and left. The first gust of wind was biting but with my recent mood boost I pushed on. Minutes later I walked into the kitchen with the bag only to find out that in the bag the manager gave me was not rigatoni. I should have checked. Not that it matters, I don't know what rigatoni looks like. My mission was for nothing. But I didn't care because chef didn't make me go back again, thankfully. Well... that was my experience today on counter. Riveting, I know!

Nothing Exciting

2009-12-15T23:25:00.002-05:00

Like many of the days on counter, this one was relatively uneventful. The only thing I can remember about the day is the fact that Jen was upset about something that happened the night before, and my day was full of unsuccessful and pitiful attempts to try and make her feel better. Then, I left early to go thrift store shopping with Georgette, which was great! We went to a new thrift store are 8th and Wolf and I got a couple things, some for myself and some for my Christmas pollyanna, but one of the amazing things I got was a fantastic pair of gloves which I am very excited about and already used tonite when I rode my bike. By the way, what I did tonite after shopping and eating at Melrose diner with Georgette was I went to the free library because Julie Powell was there and had a lecture and book signing. It was really wonderful. And I think she is really a wonderful person. I love the fact that she was a horrible public speaker; she stuttered, hesitated, seemed confused and absentminded at moments, and just could not speak off the cuff smoothly at all. BUT, just because someone is bad at speaking in front of a crowd, does not mean they can't be an eloquent, honest, and entertaining writer. It was refreshing to see that a normal nerd of a person could have success with her writing, that her blog seven years ago resulted in two novels, one of which was turned into a movie, with Meryl Streep no less! (Not that I'm suggesting this blog would ever be a novel, no way.)

Anyway, one last thing about counter that just popped into my head. Remember the matzoh ball soup incident? Yeah, well, today, I learned that matzoh ball soups are no longer going in the wide, shallow bowls they've went in for the past however many months, including the day I tilted one slightly, resulting in spilled soup on some guy's lap. They are now going in regular bowls. Similar to the shape of a cereal bowl, making it impossible to spill! Now, I have no idea how this sudden decision came to happen, but I'm thinking it had to do with my boss witnessing me spilling soup because of that kind of bowl. So at least something good came of my unfailing clutzyness--no more annoying unpractical soup bowls!

Sure, why not

2009-12-14T19:07:00.000-05:00

When my friend Henry from work suggested that I start a blog about being a counter girl, I thought sure, why not? I already have a blog (which I never write in) so why not just change the subject of that blog from being about me to being about me being a counter girl? I'm trying to try new things, so I might as well try writing about my job. Even if I haven't really written in months, or longer I guess, I can still write! Even if it is awful and mediocre and not clever or funny or anything. And I have a very small vocabulary so prepare to dumb yourself down to read at my level of brain waves.

Anyway, I might as well make this blog honest. It's not like I'm going to be famous someday or anything like that so I'm just going to keep all the names the same. I work at Marathon Grill, 10th and Walnut, in Philly. I work the takeout counter. Which means I answer the phone ("Thank you for calling Marathon, 10th and Walnut, this is Ellen, how can I help you?") and take delivery and pick up orders over the phone, and walk in/take out orders. I have no serving experience (other than the 7 months or so I worked in a retirement home in 9th grade) and so that's why I'm not a server, and I'm stuck doing counter. Which actually, I shouldn't say the word "stuck" because it's not all that bad. I actually like it, and if it weren't for the fact that servers make way more money than I do, I would just stick with counter. But I like money, and I need money, so I'm pushing to become a server. And I'm pretty sure I would already be one if it weren't for the lazy managers who don't want to put me on the schedule to start training for serving and put someone else for counter. Apparently I'm the best counter person ever! And so, I'm destined to be counter forever. Or at least until I say otherwise. Or until I whine enough that they make me server. Anyway, until that day comes, I can write about my experiences on the counter to maybe pass time by a little more quickly.

So, in case anyone was bored enough to wonder what an average day is like at Marathon as a counter girl, this is what it's like: I come in, at 10AM and maybe run to the bank for the manager, who is most likely Gary or Kevin. (Gary: good. Kevin: not good). While at the bank, you also steal pens because we're too cheap and/or lazy to get new ones. (We run out really quick at the counter because servers come up and take them periodically throughout the day). Then I come back and I refill everything I'm going to need for counter that day, which is a lot. Plasticware, dressings, cups, lids, bowls, sugar, condiments, to go containers, bags, receipt paper, etc... (We are not a very eco-friendly work place, considering how much paper and plastic we go through in a day). Then the phone starts ringing. There are only a few regulars (who I like; familiar people are nice):Mary, who gets the same open face hot turkey for her boss every time, Lorraine who orders delivery every time and I've never actually met, and who gets tuna salad sandwich with extra tomatoes and 5 grain bread every time, Michelle who comes in and gets control freak salad with salmon burger every time, and there are a few others, but those are my favorites. Oh and the bleach blond doctor who always comes in to get half iced tea and half lemonade with lots (and lots!) of ice. (Lots of doctors, we're in the middle of Jefferson Hospital).

And then there are the annoying calls. One today, for instance, was such a talker, that I was glad she called after the rush otherwise I wouldn't have had time to listen to her drone on about which cheese was the least cheesy (which she decided was feta, by the way). I think it was a whole 10 minutes she took deciding what 3 things should go in her U-build omelette. I'm sorry to say, that if you are on the phone ordering food and the person says "Yeah, that sounds good, you should get that," what they really mean is "You're taking too long, please hurry up." Omelettes are not a matter of life or death, so there's really no reason to have a debate with yourself about what's going in it.

Not every day is a good day though, or even a so-so day. This past friday was a terrible day. A lot of times when I am not busy, I run food for the servers. Friday I ran 2 matzoh ball soups to the community table for Henry, and I inadvertently spilled a little bit on this one guy, and Gary was standing right there. I mean 2 feet away from me, and it was he who pointed it out to me that I was slowly dribbling soup on this guy's lap. Well, I was mortified. I know it's so silly, but I felt so guilty and stupid and ashamed, like I had disappointed someone I really care about. I didn't want Gary to be mad at me, but he was. He gave me the meanest look and I felt like punching myself for being so clumsy. (The guy was fine by the way, he wasn't burned or mad or anything, thank god). But Gary was standoffish for the rest of the day. I was fine though, until Mike. Mike was the new manager in training, and I knew him for 2 days, which does not give him joking rights. But he thought he would make a joke about it and say "Oh, well I guess you'll just never be a server!" And then he continued to crack up for several minutes right in front of me. THAT was what made me want to cry. What he said was ringing in my ears for the next 2 hours or so, mocking me and the fact that am just a lowly counter person. So all of my ridiculous hormonal girl emotions are running high and I'm thinking I'm going to be nothing but a counter person for the rest of my life. Then servers started to notice I was upset and started asking me what was wrong. Which, when you ask an already emotional and upset girl what's wrong, you're just egging on more emotions and making that girl want to open up and cry. So there I am, polishing silverware, trying to not make eye contact and attempting to hold back tears. Thank god for Jen who warded off people trying to console me. If it weren't for her, I would have had a nervous breakdown right there, behind...the counter. Ugh. Of course, later on in the day, I finally ask Gary, "Are you mad at me?" And he said, "Why?" He didn't even remember! Well I sighed a huge sigh of relief. I told him about the soup and that I felt bad, and he said the guy could have been burned, and I said he wasn't and you can't play the 'what if' game. So that's what I'm trying not to do now--not to play that 'what if' game. "What if I am on counter forever? Or at least for what feels like forever?" I can't do that, because I know that I won't be, and I just have to have patience with myself and trust myself to build a better life for me over this next year. And that's what I'm going to do.

why did i start a blog if i write only once every 3 months?

2009-08-16T23:29:00.002-04:00

Much has happened in the past three months. I came home from Europe on June 18. I decided to buy a plane ticket home when I had a near nervous breakdown in Rome after a streak of bad luck. My camera broke, my suitcase broke, and I became homeless after the person I was staying with said I couldn't stay there anymore because relatives were coming to town. That problem was temporarily solved when he said I could stay with a friend of his, who, as it turned out, decided that I was untrustworthy to be in his house and made me sleep in the car half the night. After brushing my teeth in a public fountain, I started crying and tried to call my friend in Sicily for comfort (from my Italian phone) but it did not work. I have no idea why, because the automated voice explaining why it didn't work was speaking in Italian. Then, despite knowing it wouldn't work again (especially since I was dialing to America) I called my mom. Obviously, it didn't work. Not that I expected it would. I cried a lot and the next day I slept at a different friend's house. He was so nice and so polite and just what I needed after the nightmare that was the night before. The next day, I found a hostel to stay in. A few days later I left Rome, but not so easily. I (being the idiot that I am) went to the wrong airport. then I had one hour to get to the other airport (which was 45 minutes away) to check in, go through security and board the plane. And the taxi was 70 euros. But Sweden was absolutely perfect and made me forget how horrible Rome was. Then I went to the Czech Republic where I got lost several times and also a subway fine but enjoyed my time there anyway. But still, being the brainwashed American that I am, I was still thinking somewhere in the back of my mind that I would get kidnapped and tortured or sold into sex slavery or something ridiculous like that. Scary movies about scary Europeans will do that to you.

Anyway, the flight home was the best! I flew with Aer Lingus and my seat was so comfy and plus we had on demand which passed the time by significantly. Plus, I knew I was going home, which I was very excited about. Oh, and not to mention I didn't have a 14 hour layover, like I did on the way to Italy back in March.

Then I was home. And I wasted a lot of time going on vacations to Ocean City NJ and to 1000 Islands and not working at all and being a total bum. But in three weeks I'll be back living in Philly, paying rent, working 6 days a week at 5:30 in the morning and possibly another job as well, so I guess the vacations were somewhat of a deserved, in advance break from all that.

But as for this moment, now, I am on facebook and listening to music and sweating because it's about a hundred degrees in my bedroom. So predictable, right? I'm referring to the facebook part. I know, it's bad. But seriously, I was just reading a new message in my inbox, from a friend from forever ago, and I don't mean a REAL friend, I mean someone you kindof knew in community college type of friend, and they are asking to hang out. Actually I'll be honest, I'm pretty sure it was some weird variation of a booty call, but I'm not very good at identifying those types of things. But this is what bugs me. People, let's be honest. And I'm not just talking about this guy now, I mean everyone. (Okay not everyone, just a lot of people.) Come on. Face it, we're not friends, and we never really were. So you think I'm actually going to agree to come over, especially when we never really had that kind of relationship in the first place? No. I'm not being mean, I'm all for reconnecting with old friends, real friends, people you actually like. But we all know that seeing certain people from your past is not always pleasant. In fact, a lot of people avoid it. Or when they see someone from high school or something, the ignore them, pretend not to see them. Because who really wants to talk to that annoying girl that sat behind you in english? And it's always boring too. It's always one of the three things: 1) Oh hiiii! Where do you go to school again? 2) What's your major? 3) How's that going for ya? mmmmK See yaaaa!!

Oh God. It's just the worst. I mean the worst next to totally uncalled for kindof booty calls in facebook message form.

Sorry for the bitterness. Actually I'm not. I just needed to get this honesty out, and I'm sure many people would agree with me on this topic.

Anyway, as for now, I'm going to go to bed because tomorrow morning I'm getting up early to go to Dorney park with Sandy! I know, more laziness. I'm such a bum! But at least my bum status has an expiration date.

mmmk see yaa!

ps- listen to Kimya Dawson, she's great.

First blog...nothing fancy

2009-05-04T14:34:00.000-04:00

I've been in Sicily for a little over a month now and this is mainly what I've learned so far:

1. very little Italian...essential phrases that mostly come from, well, phrase books.

2. always have tissues in your purse because about 75% of public restrooms have no toilet paper.

3. as much as i wanted to get away from it, i've learned that i really do like home. home as in lansdale, 212, philly, pa...that general vicinity. and my independence is actually quite fleeting.