Poetrypoetrypoetry!

My poetry contest submission date is almost here and I only have 8 pages left to write. I am so glad I actually did this whole thing-- I now have an entirely new appreciation and love of poetry! Not just writing it, but reading others' poetry as well. I am really getting into Walt Whitman, Shel Silverstein, and I just introduced myself to the works of Pablo Neruda, William Wordsworth and Langston Hughes, who I've never read or even heard of before. I used to feel very indifferent about poetry; I could take it or leave it. But now, I love reading it and writing it (even though I'm a total novice); I just find it so beautiful and can now see myself keeping up writing a few poems every now and then, even after this competition, for many years to come.

Here is a poem I'm sure everyone has seen or heard before, I know I have, but I still love it (by William Wordsworth):

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;
A poet could not be but gay,
In such a jocund company!
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

Poetry After Effects

It's been almost a week since my last update, and that's because all my writing energy is being sucked out of me by this poetry contest! I'm entering a contest that my mom told me about (thank god!) that is free to enter and all you have to do is submit 40 pages of recent poetry. Well, I haven't written poetry in 3 years, and all of that is lost because my ditzy creative writing teacher lost my notebook! (We had to hand them in to be graded, she lost mine.) So I had to start from scratch, writing 40 pages in one month. And I'm doing it! I wrote 26 pages, I have 14 pages left and 14 days left. I am right on track! It feels good to be writing again. I used to write creatively a lot, but in the past couple of years I've only been writing in my journal and sometimes in this blog. Even if I don't win (which I don't expect to- there are way better poets out there than me, but even if the chance is one in a million, that's more chance than if I didn't enter at all!) then I'll still have a recent portfolio of poetry! That makes me feel like I've really accomplished something in the past month, especially since poetry doesn't come easily to me.

All this poetry writing has got me stirring up a lot of things from the past, at an attempt to get some inspiration and variety into my 40 pages, and I've been contemplating family a lot. One of my favorite people in the world is a girl I used to work with. One day we were working and talking on New Year's Day, and she told me that she just asked one of her tables, "What is one thing in this past year you regret? Or one thing in life you regret?" (She's so awesome just because she asks her tables personal questions like that.) Well apparently he said something along the lines of regretting not spending more time on his relationship with his family. And I knew what she meant- she was eluding to her family, who has so many problems, way more than the norm, and I think she was feeling guilty that she didn't talk to many of her family members, and for good reason. I said, "Well isn't it just as much of a regret to waste time on someone who's not worthy of your time? Whether they're family or not? Someone who mistreats you time and time again? Being blood related doesn't mean it's law for those relatives to talk, even if it's against their will. I'm not saying that you can't or shouldn't forgive them, but you may forgive them, and move on solitary. A guy may break into your house and steal your tv, and you eventually forgive him, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're going to ask him to house sit your house while you're away.

My family are people I love, and who love me. People I believe will always be there for me no matter what the circumstances, and I will always be there for them. Some of these are blood related, and some are people I've been lucky enough to meet in my life. I'm so grateful that I have met genuine good souls in my life so far, and that there are still genuinely good people out there.

One Last major Endeavor, at Least for a While

In a nutshell, this is what's going on. While my goal is still to work as a yacht stew, for a few years or so, my other and more prominent goal is to learn a foreign language, that being Spanish. So on a whim, as usual, I booked a flight to Spain, where I plan to stay for 3 months perfecting my Spanish as much as possible through a work exchange at a bed and breakfast/local tour company. Afterwards, I will spend a few weeks visiting my dear friends in Europe, who I miss so much, and after that I will return home and resume my working towards completing my yacht stew goal (which learning Spanish is part of that- as they look for people with language skills).

Some of my family members thought this was pointless, or frivolous, but I'm at the age that is perfect for traveling because I'm not tied down at all, and one day I will be and I will regret not doing these things, like so many of the people I know do. To me, this is not throwing away money, because to me it is an important investment. Traveling in itself is such an education; I've learned so much more from real life travel experiences than I ever have in a classroom in high school or college. I swear I'm not tooting my own horn when I say I really believe I am much wiser beyond my years than I would have been if I had remained in the same town for my entire youth. Some people say travelers are escapees, just running away from reality, or maybe from their problems. On the contrary, when you travel, you often encounter problems you have not been trained to deal with. I feel that by staying in your hometown, neglecting to experience the outside and faraway other parts of the world, you are in fact the one escaping reality, escaping a most beautiful and different and educational and miraculous reality that is different from our own!

Some people say, that in life, you must choose ONE thing, and have ONE path, and lead only ONE life. To me, this sounds irrational and quite boring. Why only experience one type of lifestyle when you have so many more interests? Maybe it is just me, and a select few others, but I am interested in so many facets of life! I want to learn Spanish, I want to work on a yacht, I want to attend culinary school, I want to maybe own my own dessert cafe, I want to live a few years in New York and also either California or Florida, I want to learn German! And why shouldn't I? That is a lot of goals, but I think 80 years or so is enough living time to complete these. I love this quote by Esme Raji Codell, "I aim too high probably, but if I don't aim, how will I get anywhere near the target?" This thought is so refreshing to me, and so in tune with the way I think. I know I have more goals that the norm, but having too many is better than having none, or discarding goals because you think they're unattainable.

I read a book recently called "You're Not Old Until You're Ninety," and the author was so inspiring to me. She was publishing her first book at ninety! So many people I know who are only halfway through life say, "I'm too old for that." As long as your mind and body are functioning half decently, you're not too old!

I hope that people learn in some way or another that it is okay to do what you want to do, and not what you feel is expected of you. "Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be."

"Not all those who wander are lost." –J. R. R. Tolkien

Just a Thought

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. ~Wayne Dyer

Bath

Last night I decided to take a bath, for no reason at all, other than to relax I guess. Not that I really have any reason to need to relax anyway. I have remotely no stress in my life right now; the only stress I have stems from the fact that I have nothing to stress about- no job, no schooling, no boyfriend, no apartment, no car. As I laid in the bathtub, listening to my iPod on shuffle, watching the bath salts float around, I wondered to myself, what's next in my life? I have absolutely nothing tying me down. So what's holding me back? Money I guess; I don't have any to get me anywhere or anything. Once I get some though, what would I even do? Go to Argentina? Go back to Nicaragua? Go back to Europe? Become a yacht stew? Go to the Florida Keys? I have so many ideas swarming around up there that it's blinding me from seeing clearly. Kathryn wrote me a letter last week in response to my letter to her, which I can only imagine seemed like the rantings of a bored, useless vagabond, and her response was so poised and kind and helpful. Her words and the way she orders them always make perfect sense to me. Things that I already know that she rewords and restates to me cause revelations; I don't know how she does it. In her little 3 by 5 greeting card were the words that this time made me realize things that I should already have known, and accepted: To do what makes me happy. Don't worry about others. Don't compare myself to others. What makes me smile?

Even just reading this made me smile. She cares and she makes sense and I'm so lucky that I was born into her family and not someone else's. After moving on from that thought, I tried to think of what made me smile, or at least the major things, as many things make me smile, like stationary and peppermint tea. Bigger things though, are Spanish. Learning it, speaking it, teaching it. I smile when it's sunny and warm. Never when I'm cold. I smile when I've just booked a flight to somewhere I know nothing about. I smile when my cat acts like she needs me.

Unfortunately, pretty much all my goals right now require money, and in this economy, you can't really do without it. In order to get some money, a substantial amount in a short time, a definite possibility is to get a job on a yacht. I did a lot of research on this a few years ago, swearing I would do it and never did. I think now is the time. I think my resume is decent enough, and I could travel while working and saving money, to work towards my goals. Seeing as I have so many, this is probably a smart idea. When I've done some saving up, I could finally go to culinary school and get a pastry degree! I could work in Buenos Aires, or anywhere! I could visit Eva and learn German, after I've perfected Spanish! I could scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef! I used to be in a big hurry, but I've come to accept the fact, through that tiny little greeting card, that there's no deadline for a career. Things don't happen magically and immediately like I want them to. Everyone else had to do four years of college, or more, and just because I opted out of that doesn't mean I'm exempt from waiting some time and working hard. Which is what I plan on doing. Here's to new beginnings and working towards goals, instead of resenting that you have to work for them.

Back

As always, I haven't written in way too long. This time it's been more than two months. I went to Nicaragua, and to try to describe that experience in just one blog entry would be fruitless. I should have been blogging all along. I did keep a diary, everyday, but in terms of this blog that's kind of irrelevant, because there's no way I'm typing out 50 pages of my diary which is written in the most chicken scratch handwriting you've ever seen. But to try to sum it up somewhat quickly, it was hands down the best experience in my whole entire life, which confuses people sometimes, once they're informed that where I was I had no air conditioning, hot water, screens on windows, hair dryer or even a mirror in my bedroom. There were lizards, scorpions, ants, termites, and huge spiders all lurking in my house, sometimes in my shower. Half the time didn't have electricity or water, or sometimes we went without both. There was trash everywhere and it smelled bad a lot of the times. Mosquitos took reign over the whole entire town, constantly biting, especially at night, and my bed was not exempt of this fact. I always had at least 10 bug bites on each limb at any given time. The food was nothing to boast about either. Fried bananas, gallo pinto (rice and beans mixed together) and either spam, chicken, or fish was served at every meal. A few times I had the luxury of pancakes. But none of this mattered to me because when you're feeling utter happiness, these drawbacks go unnoticed, or at the very least are forgiven.

So people ask me why I was so happy then, and to be honest, I never really know how to answer. I guess it was a mixture of simple things. As frustrating as spanish was sometimes, learning it was fun and using it was even more satisfying. Even though my spanish is still so elementary and broken, I loved using what I know to have a halfway decent conversation with someone. It was addicting in a way. Seeing the beach every day outside of my classroom was bliss. Going on walks with my classmates on breaks between class was comforting. Buying jewelry from street vendors, getting drinks for free basically all the time, and buying snacks from little tiendas became routine. Teaching english class was more fulfilling than I thought it would be. My students were always so eager to learn, and such adorable and friendly kids they were. They started off scared to even try to sound out english words, but gradually became braver as I coached them each week. The didn't let the conditions of the school bother them. They tried hard without resentment towards anything. The last crowning glory of my trip was the little family that developed between me and three other people while I was there. They became my favorite people, and I still think of them so often. We spent all our time together and it felt so good to have a core group. It's amazing how you can live 21 years in america and not feel a real sense of community and then go somewhere remote and feel it in just one month. I still wonder if the little town of San Juan del Sur had as big an impact on them, or anyone else, as it did me.

Unfortunately though, I'm back in Pennsylvania now and back to the humdrum life here. My mind is reeling on what to do next. I try to control my impatience, but I know that's wasted energy. Why are others so content staying in one spot, while all I can ever think about is going somewhere else? Am I adventurous, or frivolous? If anything, I'm more frivolous here than I was in Nicaragua. At least there I served a purpose. I was learning and teaching, and here I do neither. As of now, which my ideas can change at any time and usually do, my next goal is to go to Argentina. I know there are a lot of teaching jobs there, and scuba related jobs too. And I could keep learning spanish. It sounds ideal, I just have to get there. Should be simple enough...

it has to end to begin

Last night I got fired from my job. I don't know which feeling dominates most- anger or happiness. Taylor, the manager, is so young (23) and so immature and she lets her emotions get the best of her. Last night was a very busy night. Sunday nights are always crazy because we are always understaffed. We only had one busser and we should have two, and the one that we have is completely useless. Literally, he's bordering complete incompetence and possible retardation. We also should have had one more server. We also should have had more people in the kitchen, another manager, and a food runner. But since Marathon is completely falling apart, we had none of these things. So I was (along with all the other servers) bussing my own tables, resetting them, getting dishes and glasses from downstairs, polishing silverware, and making my own desserts. All in addition to the usual serving the tables. We should have a line cook to make desserts! I don't have time to be making desserts for tables when I should be talking to them and refilling drinks and taking orders. So I did my job, along with about 4 other jobs at the same time, which is unfair and stressful in itself. Then at the end of the night, Taylor tried to get me to close. Absolutely not! I was on a double every single day this weekend, and I was there since 9 that morning. Emmery was supposed to close because she was the only one not on a double, and even if she didn't close then next it should have been Matt because he left brunch early and when he came back for dinner he was late. Taylor didn't seem happy about that, but she didn't seem pissed either. Then I did all my sidework, including the sidework from the list. Taylor mad a list of things for us to finish and sign off on for what we each did. Adrienne and I both dusted globes, brought in patio furniture, and cleaned off the booth seats. Taylor was mad that I did the same things as Adrienne, and asked me if I put toilet paper in the bathrooms. I said no, I already did my side work, and toilet paper was a busser job anyway. Then I walked away. Then Taylor was fuming. She ran after me and told me not to bother coming in for my shifts this week, and to just leave for my trip. I didn't say anything and kept walking. The next day, today, I called work to see if maybe she calmed down and I could come into work. (I had no idea I was fired at this point. She didn't tell me I was, and I thought she maybe just wrote me up.) So I called and Jen answered and asked what was going on with Taylor and I. I briefly explained and Jen said that she saw a termination notice with my name on it in the office. Jen threw it away because she thought that maybe she wouldn't feel like writing another one! Gotta love Jen. Anyway, When was Taylor even planning on letting me know I was fired?? And I shouldn't even be fired! It's completely unfair! I did all my work, and additional work during dinner. Then for side work I did all my work. I don't think it's fair that she ask me to do additional side work because other people pissed her off all night. She took it all out on me. Plus, Emmery left without doing anything from the list so why didn't she get in trouble? She didn't do anything but got away with it, but I didn't do additional side work and got fired. How is that fair? How is that professional? Just because I stood up for myself against her should not be reason for her to immediately fire me. Plus, I have a spotless work record there. I have never been late and have never once called out. I always worked hard and never got written up. Then, because of one small moment, Taylor, in the heat of the moment and in the midst of her bad mood, fired me without a second thought. Bitch.

So, now I'm fired, and I don't really know what's going on. Apparently Jen later passed on the message to the new GM of one day (her first day was yesterday, brand new) that I wanted to speak with her, so she could hear the real story. Supposedly she'll be contacting me tomorrow maybe. But now I'm thinking, do I really want that job back? It made me miserable, and I'm leaving to Nicaragua for a month anyway. When I come back I only have one month left on my lease. Do I really want to waste more time trapped in a restaurant, going nowhere? Everyday I see losers there- 30 year old waiters and waitresses who are doing nothing with their lives. I don't want to get sucked in there forever. What does Philly have to offer me anyway? There are no jobs here, it's dirty, smelly, and expensive. Maybe I could travel America and volunteer and couchsurf, make my way to California, and get a job relating to scuba. It would be hard, and it would be lonely at times, but it's like that here too sometimes. Honestly, I'm miserable in Philly. I need to move on. Money might be tight at first but I would find a way. People always do. I got a fortune cookie once that I always loved- "It is necessary, therefore it is possible." Maybe this is necessary. Maybe this was meant to be. Maybe it was perfect timing. To get fired right before my trip? and with only two months left on my lease? What are the odds? Maybe I can use this to my advantage. Maybe I will.