Poetrypoetrypoetry!

My poetry contest submission date is almost here and I only have 8 pages left to write. I am so glad I actually did this whole thing-- I now have an entirely new appreciation and love of poetry! Not just writing it, but reading others' poetry as well. I am really getting into Walt Whitman, Shel Silverstein, and I just introduced myself to the works of Pablo Neruda, William Wordsworth and Langston Hughes, who I've never read or even heard of before. I used to feel very indifferent about poetry; I could take it or leave it. But now, I love reading it and writing it (even though I'm a total novice); I just find it so beautiful and can now see myself keeping up writing a few poems every now and then, even after this competition, for many years to come.

Here is a poem I'm sure everyone has seen or heard before, I know I have, but I still love it (by William Wordsworth):

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;
A poet could not be but gay,
In such a jocund company!
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

Poetry After Effects

It's been almost a week since my last update, and that's because all my writing energy is being sucked out of me by this poetry contest! I'm entering a contest that my mom told me about (thank god!) that is free to enter and all you have to do is submit 40 pages of recent poetry. Well, I haven't written poetry in 3 years, and all of that is lost because my ditzy creative writing teacher lost my notebook! (We had to hand them in to be graded, she lost mine.) So I had to start from scratch, writing 40 pages in one month. And I'm doing it! I wrote 26 pages, I have 14 pages left and 14 days left. I am right on track! It feels good to be writing again. I used to write creatively a lot, but in the past couple of years I've only been writing in my journal and sometimes in this blog. Even if I don't win (which I don't expect to- there are way better poets out there than me, but even if the chance is one in a million, that's more chance than if I didn't enter at all!) then I'll still have a recent portfolio of poetry! That makes me feel like I've really accomplished something in the past month, especially since poetry doesn't come easily to me.

All this poetry writing has got me stirring up a lot of things from the past, at an attempt to get some inspiration and variety into my 40 pages, and I've been contemplating family a lot. One of my favorite people in the world is a girl I used to work with. One day we were working and talking on New Year's Day, and she told me that she just asked one of her tables, "What is one thing in this past year you regret? Or one thing in life you regret?" (She's so awesome just because she asks her tables personal questions like that.) Well apparently he said something along the lines of regretting not spending more time on his relationship with his family. And I knew what she meant- she was eluding to her family, who has so many problems, way more than the norm, and I think she was feeling guilty that she didn't talk to many of her family members, and for good reason. I said, "Well isn't it just as much of a regret to waste time on someone who's not worthy of your time? Whether they're family or not? Someone who mistreats you time and time again? Being blood related doesn't mean it's law for those relatives to talk, even if it's against their will. I'm not saying that you can't or shouldn't forgive them, but you may forgive them, and move on solitary. A guy may break into your house and steal your tv, and you eventually forgive him, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're going to ask him to house sit your house while you're away.

My family are people I love, and who love me. People I believe will always be there for me no matter what the circumstances, and I will always be there for them. Some of these are blood related, and some are people I've been lucky enough to meet in my life. I'm so grateful that I have met genuine good souls in my life so far, and that there are still genuinely good people out there.

One Last major Endeavor, at Least for a While

In a nutshell, this is what's going on. While my goal is still to work as a yacht stew, for a few years or so, my other and more prominent goal is to learn a foreign language, that being Spanish. So on a whim, as usual, I booked a flight to Spain, where I plan to stay for 3 months perfecting my Spanish as much as possible through a work exchange at a bed and breakfast/local tour company. Afterwards, I will spend a few weeks visiting my dear friends in Europe, who I miss so much, and after that I will return home and resume my working towards completing my yacht stew goal (which learning Spanish is part of that- as they look for people with language skills).

Some of my family members thought this was pointless, or frivolous, but I'm at the age that is perfect for traveling because I'm not tied down at all, and one day I will be and I will regret not doing these things, like so many of the people I know do. To me, this is not throwing away money, because to me it is an important investment. Traveling in itself is such an education; I've learned so much more from real life travel experiences than I ever have in a classroom in high school or college. I swear I'm not tooting my own horn when I say I really believe I am much wiser beyond my years than I would have been if I had remained in the same town for my entire youth. Some people say travelers are escapees, just running away from reality, or maybe from their problems. On the contrary, when you travel, you often encounter problems you have not been trained to deal with. I feel that by staying in your hometown, neglecting to experience the outside and faraway other parts of the world, you are in fact the one escaping reality, escaping a most beautiful and different and educational and miraculous reality that is different from our own!

Some people say, that in life, you must choose ONE thing, and have ONE path, and lead only ONE life. To me, this sounds irrational and quite boring. Why only experience one type of lifestyle when you have so many more interests? Maybe it is just me, and a select few others, but I am interested in so many facets of life! I want to learn Spanish, I want to work on a yacht, I want to attend culinary school, I want to maybe own my own dessert cafe, I want to live a few years in New York and also either California or Florida, I want to learn German! And why shouldn't I? That is a lot of goals, but I think 80 years or so is enough living time to complete these. I love this quote by Esme Raji Codell, "I aim too high probably, but if I don't aim, how will I get anywhere near the target?" This thought is so refreshing to me, and so in tune with the way I think. I know I have more goals that the norm, but having too many is better than having none, or discarding goals because you think they're unattainable.

I read a book recently called "You're Not Old Until You're Ninety," and the author was so inspiring to me. She was publishing her first book at ninety! So many people I know who are only halfway through life say, "I'm too old for that." As long as your mind and body are functioning half decently, you're not too old!

I hope that people learn in some way or another that it is okay to do what you want to do, and not what you feel is expected of you. "Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be."

"Not all those who wander are lost." –J. R. R. Tolkien

Just a Thought

How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. ~Wayne Dyer

Bath

Last night I decided to take a bath, for no reason at all, other than to relax I guess. Not that I really have any reason to need to relax anyway. I have remotely no stress in my life right now; the only stress I have stems from the fact that I have nothing to stress about- no job, no schooling, no boyfriend, no apartment, no car. As I laid in the bathtub, listening to my iPod on shuffle, watching the bath salts float around, I wondered to myself, what's next in my life? I have absolutely nothing tying me down. So what's holding me back? Money I guess; I don't have any to get me anywhere or anything. Once I get some though, what would I even do? Go to Argentina? Go back to Nicaragua? Go back to Europe? Become a yacht stew? Go to the Florida Keys? I have so many ideas swarming around up there that it's blinding me from seeing clearly. Kathryn wrote me a letter last week in response to my letter to her, which I can only imagine seemed like the rantings of a bored, useless vagabond, and her response was so poised and kind and helpful. Her words and the way she orders them always make perfect sense to me. Things that I already know that she rewords and restates to me cause revelations; I don't know how she does it. In her little 3 by 5 greeting card were the words that this time made me realize things that I should already have known, and accepted: To do what makes me happy. Don't worry about others. Don't compare myself to others. What makes me smile?

Even just reading this made me smile. She cares and she makes sense and I'm so lucky that I was born into her family and not someone else's. After moving on from that thought, I tried to think of what made me smile, or at least the major things, as many things make me smile, like stationary and peppermint tea. Bigger things though, are Spanish. Learning it, speaking it, teaching it. I smile when it's sunny and warm. Never when I'm cold. I smile when I've just booked a flight to somewhere I know nothing about. I smile when my cat acts like she needs me.

Unfortunately, pretty much all my goals right now require money, and in this economy, you can't really do without it. In order to get some money, a substantial amount in a short time, a definite possibility is to get a job on a yacht. I did a lot of research on this a few years ago, swearing I would do it and never did. I think now is the time. I think my resume is decent enough, and I could travel while working and saving money, to work towards my goals. Seeing as I have so many, this is probably a smart idea. When I've done some saving up, I could finally go to culinary school and get a pastry degree! I could work in Buenos Aires, or anywhere! I could visit Eva and learn German, after I've perfected Spanish! I could scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef! I used to be in a big hurry, but I've come to accept the fact, through that tiny little greeting card, that there's no deadline for a career. Things don't happen magically and immediately like I want them to. Everyone else had to do four years of college, or more, and just because I opted out of that doesn't mean I'm exempt from waiting some time and working hard. Which is what I plan on doing. Here's to new beginnings and working towards goals, instead of resenting that you have to work for them.

Back

As always, I haven't written in way too long. This time it's been more than two months. I went to Nicaragua, and to try to describe that experience in just one blog entry would be fruitless. I should have been blogging all along. I did keep a diary, everyday, but in terms of this blog that's kind of irrelevant, because there's no way I'm typing out 50 pages of my diary which is written in the most chicken scratch handwriting you've ever seen. But to try to sum it up somewhat quickly, it was hands down the best experience in my whole entire life, which confuses people sometimes, once they're informed that where I was I had no air conditioning, hot water, screens on windows, hair dryer or even a mirror in my bedroom. There were lizards, scorpions, ants, termites, and huge spiders all lurking in my house, sometimes in my shower. Half the time didn't have electricity or water, or sometimes we went without both. There was trash everywhere and it smelled bad a lot of the times. Mosquitos took reign over the whole entire town, constantly biting, especially at night, and my bed was not exempt of this fact. I always had at least 10 bug bites on each limb at any given time. The food was nothing to boast about either. Fried bananas, gallo pinto (rice and beans mixed together) and either spam, chicken, or fish was served at every meal. A few times I had the luxury of pancakes. But none of this mattered to me because when you're feeling utter happiness, these drawbacks go unnoticed, or at the very least are forgiven.

So people ask me why I was so happy then, and to be honest, I never really know how to answer. I guess it was a mixture of simple things. As frustrating as spanish was sometimes, learning it was fun and using it was even more satisfying. Even though my spanish is still so elementary and broken, I loved using what I know to have a halfway decent conversation with someone. It was addicting in a way. Seeing the beach every day outside of my classroom was bliss. Going on walks with my classmates on breaks between class was comforting. Buying jewelry from street vendors, getting drinks for free basically all the time, and buying snacks from little tiendas became routine. Teaching english class was more fulfilling than I thought it would be. My students were always so eager to learn, and such adorable and friendly kids they were. They started off scared to even try to sound out english words, but gradually became braver as I coached them each week. The didn't let the conditions of the school bother them. They tried hard without resentment towards anything. The last crowning glory of my trip was the little family that developed between me and three other people while I was there. They became my favorite people, and I still think of them so often. We spent all our time together and it felt so good to have a core group. It's amazing how you can live 21 years in america and not feel a real sense of community and then go somewhere remote and feel it in just one month. I still wonder if the little town of San Juan del Sur had as big an impact on them, or anyone else, as it did me.

Unfortunately though, I'm back in Pennsylvania now and back to the humdrum life here. My mind is reeling on what to do next. I try to control my impatience, but I know that's wasted energy. Why are others so content staying in one spot, while all I can ever think about is going somewhere else? Am I adventurous, or frivolous? If anything, I'm more frivolous here than I was in Nicaragua. At least there I served a purpose. I was learning and teaching, and here I do neither. As of now, which my ideas can change at any time and usually do, my next goal is to go to Argentina. I know there are a lot of teaching jobs there, and scuba related jobs too. And I could keep learning spanish. It sounds ideal, I just have to get there. Should be simple enough...

it has to end to begin

Last night I got fired from my job. I don't know which feeling dominates most- anger or happiness. Taylor, the manager, is so young (23) and so immature and she lets her emotions get the best of her. Last night was a very busy night. Sunday nights are always crazy because we are always understaffed. We only had one busser and we should have two, and the one that we have is completely useless. Literally, he's bordering complete incompetence and possible retardation. We also should have had one more server. We also should have had more people in the kitchen, another manager, and a food runner. But since Marathon is completely falling apart, we had none of these things. So I was (along with all the other servers) bussing my own tables, resetting them, getting dishes and glasses from downstairs, polishing silverware, and making my own desserts. All in addition to the usual serving the tables. We should have a line cook to make desserts! I don't have time to be making desserts for tables when I should be talking to them and refilling drinks and taking orders. So I did my job, along with about 4 other jobs at the same time, which is unfair and stressful in itself. Then at the end of the night, Taylor tried to get me to close. Absolutely not! I was on a double every single day this weekend, and I was there since 9 that morning. Emmery was supposed to close because she was the only one not on a double, and even if she didn't close then next it should have been Matt because he left brunch early and when he came back for dinner he was late. Taylor didn't seem happy about that, but she didn't seem pissed either. Then I did all my sidework, including the sidework from the list. Taylor mad a list of things for us to finish and sign off on for what we each did. Adrienne and I both dusted globes, brought in patio furniture, and cleaned off the booth seats. Taylor was mad that I did the same things as Adrienne, and asked me if I put toilet paper in the bathrooms. I said no, I already did my side work, and toilet paper was a busser job anyway. Then I walked away. Then Taylor was fuming. She ran after me and told me not to bother coming in for my shifts this week, and to just leave for my trip. I didn't say anything and kept walking. The next day, today, I called work to see if maybe she calmed down and I could come into work. (I had no idea I was fired at this point. She didn't tell me I was, and I thought she maybe just wrote me up.) So I called and Jen answered and asked what was going on with Taylor and I. I briefly explained and Jen said that she saw a termination notice with my name on it in the office. Jen threw it away because she thought that maybe she wouldn't feel like writing another one! Gotta love Jen. Anyway, When was Taylor even planning on letting me know I was fired?? And I shouldn't even be fired! It's completely unfair! I did all my work, and additional work during dinner. Then for side work I did all my work. I don't think it's fair that she ask me to do additional side work because other people pissed her off all night. She took it all out on me. Plus, Emmery left without doing anything from the list so why didn't she get in trouble? She didn't do anything but got away with it, but I didn't do additional side work and got fired. How is that fair? How is that professional? Just because I stood up for myself against her should not be reason for her to immediately fire me. Plus, I have a spotless work record there. I have never been late and have never once called out. I always worked hard and never got written up. Then, because of one small moment, Taylor, in the heat of the moment and in the midst of her bad mood, fired me without a second thought. Bitch.

So, now I'm fired, and I don't really know what's going on. Apparently Jen later passed on the message to the new GM of one day (her first day was yesterday, brand new) that I wanted to speak with her, so she could hear the real story. Supposedly she'll be contacting me tomorrow maybe. But now I'm thinking, do I really want that job back? It made me miserable, and I'm leaving to Nicaragua for a month anyway. When I come back I only have one month left on my lease. Do I really want to waste more time trapped in a restaurant, going nowhere? Everyday I see losers there- 30 year old waiters and waitresses who are doing nothing with their lives. I don't want to get sucked in there forever. What does Philly have to offer me anyway? There are no jobs here, it's dirty, smelly, and expensive. Maybe I could travel America and volunteer and couchsurf, make my way to California, and get a job relating to scuba. It would be hard, and it would be lonely at times, but it's like that here too sometimes. Honestly, I'm miserable in Philly. I need to move on. Money might be tight at first but I would find a way. People always do. I got a fortune cookie once that I always loved- "It is necessary, therefore it is possible." Maybe this is necessary. Maybe this was meant to be. Maybe it was perfect timing. To get fired right before my trip? and with only two months left on my lease? What are the odds? Maybe I can use this to my advantage. Maybe I will.

Long time no write

After a long hiatus from this blog, and after too many changes at work to count, I thought it was time to finally make a new post. The biggest change at work between now and my last post was our change to a completely new menu. Our new menu is good in terms of tastes, recipes, detail...but in terms of our customers, or "guests" I should say, is less than satisfying. Let me explain:

"Thank you for calling Marathon, 10th and Walnut, this is Ellen, how can I help you?"

"Yeah, I need to order for delivery."

"Okay, do you know about our new menu?"

"Ugh- NO?~~ Bye!!~"

I feel like the squiggly dash marks indicate the attitude in the tone of voice. Anyway, that is just one of the many negative responses I've gotten over the phone to the new menu. Most of the responses have been negative, but a few have been positive. But mostly, people are just pissed. They want their old favorites. They want control. They want routine. They want salmon burger!!

Why are people so opposed to change? And why do they all take out their anger on someone who had nothing to do with it?

"Well why did you change it?"

"I don't know...I just work here."

The second thing that changed is that I am now a server (although I still do counter everyday- I only serve twice a week) and that is going quite well. It's the same amount of annoyances in different forms than counter, but it's worth it because it's more money.

Another change is Matt the van driver delivery guy. I am officially OVER him! Well, I still think he's cute, but I'm over my obsession and I'm over hoping that he'll somehow ask me out. I've moved on! In fact, I think he's kind of a loser! I can do way better.

But that's all I have to say for now. Hopefully next time I update won't be months from now!

Snow Day

As much as I hate the cold, I have to admit that all this snow really is beautiful. That is, until it gets driven and walked on and becomes black and dirty. But right now, it's untouched and crunchy and glittery, and I am enjoying it because we haven't seen snow like this since 1996. And I'm appreciating it because I now vow to make this my last winter in Pennsylvania. Or at least for a long time. I can't handle the winters here. The extreme cold is just simply painful, and uncomfortable, and inconvenient. I want warm breeze and warm sun and easier clothes. So that's what I'll get.

The restaurant was closed today and it was nice to have a break. I went outside to go sledding at the art museum, which was great. We didn't have sleds, so we used baking sheets, but they worked just fine! The art museum looked beautiful and all around it too. It's surrounded by trees and it looked so gorgeous and I even saw a bird and a squirrel which I thought was adorable of course. Once you step away from all the commotion at the steps, it is quiet and peaceful and almost as if you are in the middle of a meadow instead of in a city at a museum with lots of loud people. It was serene, and it felt good. I wish I had my camera, but then again it's good I didn't because I probably would have dropped it in the snow and destroyed it.

My scuba class was also cancelled, but I did have my spanish class last night. Which, by the way, is going wonderfully. I've only has two classes, but I absolutely love it! It's fun but it's also hard work. In fact, I should be studying now.

New beginnings and the usual usual

After another week long hiatus from this blog, I'm finally back here updating. I must admit that I'm back in my old routine: checking flights to various countries just for the fun of it, looking at opportunities abroad, and contemplating how difficult it may be if I were to leave my lease early. The only difference is this time is that I know nothing will happen until at least summer. I'm being responsible! I'm trying to do the right thing...stick around and go only when the time is completely right. When my lease is up! Oh this is going to be a tough one...

On another note, I am once again a student, and it's much better this time around. Tonite I had my first Spanish class and I am already addicted. There's no thrill equal to the one you get from speaking another language, even if it is just simple phrases in a beginner's class. In addition to Spanish, I have also started my Scuba certification class. My second class is tomorrow, which I am excited for. It's a lot of terminology to remember, but I'm up for the challenge.

At work, things are not going so well. That job is really taking a toll on me. I'm trying so hard not to let anything get to me, but there's so much stupid drama all day long, on top of the fact that I do everyone's job for no money and only to get called an asshole for it (that's a whole 'nother story). Well, it's a recipe for disaster. PLUS, Matt found out about my stupid crush on him, along with the whole entire restaurant, and now things are somewhat awkward. Well, at first they were but now I guess things are back to normal, but then again, even our normal was pretty awkward.

Anyway, it's February now, which means only a couple more months until t-shirt weather! I really cannot wait!

Rainy Monday

As much as I hate rainy days, they sometimes make me smile because rainy days never fail to bring people together, even in the smallest of ways. I realized this today when I was walking to work on Walnut St. with my rain boots on and my flimsy umbrella blowing inside out and I noticed that only on rainy days do people make eye contact and acknowledge each other. That is because on rainy days everyone has something in common: that they are miserable because of this weather and no one looks or feels their best. People look at each other and smile, or make some expression of sympathy, as if to say, "Yeah, doesn't this suck?" I saw a girl get splashed really bad by the bus and we looked at each other and I made a "Wow I'm sorry" face. Another guy turned to me at a red light and said, "Doesn't this suck?" Another woman saw my umbrella flipping inside out and gave me this look like she felt bad for me. Rainy days unite people. On sunny days no one even glances in other people's directions. Everyone is minding their own business, on their cell phones, walking quickly along. Rainy days have a way of connecting people. Everyone's wet. Everyone feels gross. Everyone feels bad for everyone and themselves.

Rainy days also mean that no one wants to come outside to go to the restaurant and so we were really dead today. BUT, there was one upside. Matt and I exchanged some very awkward comments and glances, because he stayed longer than usual. It's almost as if he was hanging around, like some sort of lost puppy dog, and coming back for little or no reasons, like he apparently forgot something...five or six times. Suspicious, I think. But then again, this may be my vivid imagination doing its best work. We will find out soon though! Because Our non relationship has been taken to the next level by today's extra weirdness. Ahh, rainy monday.

All is well on the counter front

So, on this coming wednesday I take one step farther away from the counter by starting my classes for scuba certification! Woo! AND, I was looking at scholarships today for the Institute of Culinary Education, which I am planning on going to next fall, and I should start the application processes in the spring, which is soon! Just need letters of recommendation, and my transcripts. Lots of work, but hopefully it will pay off by getting at least one scholarship.

As for work, I worked yesterday all day and it went okay I guess. I don't usually work saturdays but apparently I am now. This past week has been busy, outside of work that is. I went ice skating, went to Sheena's band's show to support her, and Henry's comedy thing to support him, and also went with my family to see a couple of new and exciting (and very talented!) musicians which was absolutely perfect. I bought one of their albums and it's fantastic. (Ian Axel--if anyone is interested in super awesome piano players/singers then look him up.)

Supposedly serving is going to ensue very soon, but I've been told that for over a month now. Training is apparently starting next week. I'll believe it when I see it.

Argument

Today was a typical day at the restaurant...ridiculous craziness. It was better than yesterday in terms of business--today we were busy but at least we were more prepared, unlike yesterday which was a disaster because we were swamped and completely understaffed. But before the rush, I was putting the specials in the menus minding my own business, when I realized, I have the specials! And that means...Matt must be here! He's probably been here for all of 2 minutes and I was wasting my time all by myself not even in view of him! I rushed back over to the counter, mainly just to gawk at him before he left. Like I said, it was a typical day.

The rest of the day was great, minus the fact that I got into an argument with one of the servers. I won't say names for this one. And by argument, I mean a REAL argument, not just a fake insult or petty bickering and then 5 minutes later things are back to normal. This was a real one and I was significantly upset, and by that I mean I went to the bathroom and cried. (I know, I'm so juvenile and overly emotional.) But it really upset me on a personal level because in the middle of that argument I had a realization of how similar this guy is to my dad. They both scream at you, talk down to you, talk over you, interrupt you, and are losers who do nothing with their lives! Every sentence, mid-sentence, he would interrupt me only to scream at me some pointless argument that makes no sense, probably just to feel like he has control because he's louder and listens the least.

Why do certain people feel the need to scream their way through life? Are they really that insecure that they feel they need to scream and condescend people in order to be heard? Or is it that they're angry to their very core that they just can't shake it, and when provoked it all emerges and spurts out like steam or lava?

I am soo in the wrong business. And while I'm on the subject of that, in my last post I talked (or I think I did) about getting certified for scuba diving, and since then I have made the call and I start January 27! (I think. Maybe the wednesday after that.) But I am so beyond excited, whether this is just for hobby purposes or if it rises to a career level, I don't care, I'm just happy to be doing something to better myself and to learn something new.

Happy hour

One of the best things about my job is that I get to draw and write all over the chalkboard walls for about 2 hours and then get free food for it because my boss thinks I don't like doing it. Because restaurant week is coming up very soon, I covered the wall above the bar with 'Restaurant Week' written huge, with the menu and price listed below. It was fun, but a little awkward because standing on a stool, my butt was facing the whole dining room. Also my neck hurt really bad afterwards, but still! It was fun. Then Matt, aka van driver delivery guy, came in, for the second time that day, and I completely swooned. I've quickly become quite obsessed with him. As I was standing on the stool, coloring away, I could only think and wonder about whether or not he would be coming a second time that day, and if he did, would I see him? Or would I miss him because I'm in the dining room, and maybe he won't see me? I kept checking. Every noise I heard, every time I heard a door close, I looked to see if it was him. (I'm so lame, I know.)

Well, he finally came! And of course I made some dumb excuse to come down off my stool and go into the kitchen, just to see him only for half a minute, just for some pitiful eye contact and a pathetic "hi." But it was worth it. He's just so...adorable.

After work, Sheena, Leann and I went to happy hour at National Mechanics in Old City. It was a good time, and I (it was only a matter of time until I told more people), of course told them about my crush on Matt after a few drinks. And they agreed with me! They said he's hot! Who could deny it? This crush is escalating as a fast pace...what will happen next? Who will I tell next? is more like it. I know this whole Matt thing is a little far fetched, but when your job is a lame as mine is, it's good to have silly little things to keep you looking forward to work everyday.

Working for a dream

One of the things I like least about my job is that I do so much work that isn't even in my job description and don't get paid nearly enough for it, but today I stood up for myself instead of letting people walk all over me. A couple days ago, my boss asked me to clean certain walls that had stains all over them, and also to do some dusting. I did it without complaining. But last night they redid the floors and because of all the sanding they did, there was sawdust everywhere, so I had to do that cleaning again. Specifically, I had to scrub at the baseboard of this certain wall because there was this grimy layer there. I also did that without complaining, but the residue just wouldn't come off. So later that day Gary told me to do it again and at this point I had hit my limit. So I told him I'm not doing it, that I already did it and the residue wouldn't come off, and if he really wanted it off then they should hire a real cleaning lady. His response was, "you're the cleaning lady." NO way. I am NOT your cleaning lady. I am the COUNTER girl and even that is a lowly position. Oh he makes me so mad. He would never ask a server to do that, but he asks me because I'm the counter girl and he has no respect for me. And that's why he is procrastinating making me a server for so long--because I always do things that need to be done that no one else wants to do. But no more! I'm only doing what's in my job description. Maybe if I got a raise then I would consider doing all that ridiculous crap but not now. Forget it.

Days like today are hard because I feel so wasteful of my own life. What am I doing? I'm a counter girl in a restaurant. It's going no where. I need to get on top of things, make things happen in my life, and eventually get out of this city. People say it's better to be at the bottom of a ladder you want to climb rather than halfway up one you have no interest in climbing. Well right now I'm at the bottom of one I don't want to climb, so I'm no where near where I want to be. I'm so anxious for things to happen, and I'm trying to make things happen, but nothing's happening! It's not like I'm not trying! I signed up for a spanish class 10 days ago and the teacher said she would call me back once she'd placed me in a class. She hasn't called. Then today I called the dive center in Philly to sign up for scuba certification classes and they moved their location to Glen Mills, which goodle maps said it would take 2 hours to get there by public transit! Argh! So THEN, I called a center in Lansdale, where I'm from, and I repeatedly got a busy signal. Why does the universe want me to stay a counter girl?

I'll call tomorrow. I'll call until something happens. Until then, I'm stuck in the restaurant business.

Monday

I haven't been updating this blog nearly as often as I'd like, but like I said, counter is pretty uneventful and so there's not much to write about. This morning, Henry, who suggested I start this blog, asked how it was going and of course he speaks so loudly that Nate and Justin heard him and so now they know I have a blog, about work, and I definitely don't want anyone from work reading this blog or even knowing about it. Henry doesn't count because it was his idea. So anyway, now I'm worried that someone will find it and read it and I didn't change any of the names on here and so I'm hoping this just stays a secret from all Marathon employees. Maybe I should have changed the names...

The restaurant closed early today because the floors are being redone and so it wasn't a normal day. But no day is ever really normal in that building. Today, a woman ordered a salad from me and she is the reason we have control freak salads. When you order a caesar salad, but change the dressing from caesar to balsamic vinaigrette, change the lettuce from romaine to iceberg lettuce, and add tomatoes and tuna, the only thing that's the same is the parmesan cheese. That in no way is a caesar salad! Nothing is the same! Only one thing is the same. And it isn't enough to keep calling it a caesar salad. But it's my theory that people do that (ALL the time) because by saying, "I'd like to order a control freak salad," they feel they're admitting "I'm a control freak." People would rather just steer clear of that term and call it another salad but change it so much that it's an entirely different thing. It's one of the most annoying things, but there is nothing I can do about it. I am entitled to kindly say that we do offer a control freak salad, but I feel like if I say that then they'll think I'm insulting them. So that's what I steer clear of.

In terms of Matt, aka van driver delivery guy, I told Laura (one of the bartenders) I liked him. And by 'like' I mean that I know nothing about him but still have some sort of weird fascination with him. I really had no choice. If you knew Laura, you would understand. First of all, she is, in my opinion, one of the coolest people I have ever met. She is the most honest and the most real person. And she asked who I liked at Marathon and I told her. I couldn't lie. And Laura is like a vault; she has so many secrets from so many people over the years at that restaurant that the news of my stupid little crush is like nothing to her. But now it's out there. One more person knows, besides the few people that read this blog, so I think that now is the point in time where this little fascination will either diminish to nothing at all or it will grow into something. Stay tuned:)

Birthday Eve

I haven't updated my blog in over a week, and so in light of the new year, I'm going to not quit doing this blog and keep it up by posting somewhat regularly. I'm trying very hard not to be a quitter, which is something I've always struggled with. Just today I was contemplating quitting my job. It was a nightmare today. It was so hectic on the counter, which was very unfortunate because it just so happens that today the computer system wasn't properly working, so I was writing down everyone's names, phone numbers, addresses, and credit card informations by hand, which was very inconvenient and took up a lot of extra time when I could have been working on other people's orders. So in my moments of stress and aggravation, I was thinking to myself, "I hate this place! I'm moving to South America!!" South America, why, I don't know. I have no idea, other than I just want to go there. And I have no real reason to go there, other than just because. And that's that. (But then again my philosophy for doing something is that you don't have to have any "real" reason for anything, other than the fact that you just want to do something. Wanting something is all you need.)

Speaking of South America, and other Latin American things, I signed up to take a Spanish class. I don't start for a little while (I still have yet to be placed in a class) but I am pretty excited to be starting something new in the new decade. I wanted so badly to continue with Italian, but I decided not to. Maybe that's because I'm a quitter, like I mentioned above, or maybe it's because I know all of zero people that speak Italian in Philadelphia. On the other hand, I know lots and lots of Spanish speaking people here. Besides, Spanish class is cheaper than Italian, and it is slightly (okay, a LOT) more practical considering there are so many more Spanish speaking countries in the world than there are Italian, and the fact that about half of the employees at my job speak Spanish.

Another breakthrough in 2010 so far is that I found out van driver's name! MATT! Ha... Not that that is going anywhere at all, but just for fun and also for the sake of some sort of budding friendship, if it could even be considered that much.

Tomorrow is my 21st birthday, and I am abnormally unexcited. Most people go crazy for their 21st birthdays, but I just don't see the reason for it. I have nothing against drinking, but I've never relied on it to have a good time. The last time I drank was this past weekend, and the time before that was July 4th. This past weekend was a reminder of how mediocre drinking really is. I went to a party at a friend of mine's, and it was a good time, but in the morning, when I woke up on her couch, I looked around and saw just how pathetic drinking can really make people. Across from me were to chairs, one of which were a guy and girl who had made out the night before, which I have no doubt that they regretted once they woke up, or at least felt awkward about, and the other was the guy who had been trying to get with that girl the whole night, and who ironically was forced to sleep opposite them only to wake up and see his failure and embarrassment staring him right in the face. And there I was, the only one awake at 8:30am because I was so uncomfortable from apparently sleeping slouched over the arm of the couch, on the corner of the couch in about a 1 square foot area (because I was on the ocuh with 2 other friends of mine). I put on the first pair of shoes that I saw and walked home. (My shoes gave me blisters the night before.) So to me, turning 21 is not a huge ordeal. Yes, I'll go and have drinks, but partying is not particularly my number 1 choice of entertainment.

As for work, Gary told me that I could finally start serving, BUT, and here's the catch, only as soon as I found someone to cover all my shifts on counter. Meaning I would have to find someone to have come and apply for the job, get it, then be trained, and then decide to stick with it and be a good enough employee to take my place. (I swear, my natural talents at counter have screwed me over so bad.) Well, I felt up to the challenge. And my search ended quicker than I thought it would because my genius friend Natalie suggested that she take Ian's night shifts, and he take my day shifts, and then I can be a server! So I told Gary and that was last week. And of course, nothing's happened. He said he had to speak to Ian and Natalie about it all, but I know that isn't going to happen for a long time. And I need to start serving soon, because I could really use the money. Not for bills, I have that, but for my yet to be announced summer excursions of course!! But all this waiting is totally not my thing, I'm getting really impatient!

PS- Tip your take out counter person, whoever they are! They deserve it!